


Please Never Fall In Love Again

by kabigon



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26670751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kabigon/pseuds/kabigon
Summary: That first time Yuzuru wakes up alone, the pillow next to him has already gone cold.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 16
Kudos: 122





	Please Never Fall In Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling a bit down so this came out. Hope you enjoy.

\----

That first time Yuzuru wakes up alone, the pillow next to him has already gone cold. The sheets are a coiled mess around him but they’re tucked against his side as if Javi had wanted to keep him warm. Deceivingly loving.

He stares at the empty space, willing himself not to feel as barren, as used as the side of the bed Javi had left behind hours ago, probably. He presses his lips together, determined to fight back against the tears but he’s a creature of habit, of emotion. The highs are high, like standing next to Javi on a podium ready to take flight. Inversely, the lows are low, lower than hell if it ever did exist, and it consumes all of him.

The importance of one’s virginity is a social construct, he tells himself. It doesn’t matter who he “gives” it to, and the first time certainly doesn’t have to be special. Whatever “special” is anyway. And yet he can’t help but feel like he’d given an important piece of himself away to a very bad man who had taken the gift but didn’t appreciate what he’d been given.

Silly. All so very silly indeed. It doesn’t even make sense. He can’t make it make sense. Not his Javi. His Javi isn’t a bad man. (That’s the problem though, isn’t it? Javi isn’t _his.)_

He can’t work up the nerve to touch the space where Javi had been. He just… he lies there feeling hollow and broken, and each blink brings a new batch of quiet tears to wet his pillow.

It’s okay, he tells himself through each slow, shuddering inhalation. He is Yuzuru Hanyu and he will be okay. He always is, isn’t he? In the end? He’s lived through some of the worst so a little bit of a broken heart? How mundane.

\----

He could almost believe the night before hadn’t happened, that he’d made up the kisses and oh, how gentle they had been, like Yuzuru was precious. He’d been held close, had Spanish words he didn’t know murmured into his skin reverently as Javi sunk himself deeper, deeper and a muffled groan against Yuzuru’s neck as he finished, taking Yuzuru with him.

He was a mistake probably, off the high of medaling _here,_ at the Olympics. He has to have been. Javi looks at Marina with so much affection and adoration, a doting hand on the small of her back or her hip, keeping her close always like he can’t bear to be away from her.

If not for the ache in his muscles, in unfamiliar places he’d have believed he dreamed it all. Wouldn’t be the first time though, would it?

He holds his head high, especially for those times when Javi sneaks a quick glance over to him, and he pretends everything is fine. He’s fine. He _is_ fine.

\----

He probably would have been okay if it’d been only that one time.

The shows come and there’s no girlfriend in sight. Javi touches him like he’s precious, like he can’t get enough of Yuzuru. Hand on his waist, hand on his thigh. A hand cupping his cheek, big, brown eyes lined with beautiful long lashes peer just slightly down at him like he’s the most important thing in the world, like he’s all Javi can see.

It’s a lie. Javi is very good at lying.

\----

Another morning, how many before he doesn’t know, can’t remember, can’t think too much about them because it hurts too much. Waking up to an empty bed has become all too familiar. His heart aches but at least he’s finally learned not to cry. How long did it take? Too long, most likely. 

If only he could say no to Javi. Though it hurts after, Yuzuru can’t help how his soul sings, how it lights up any time he sees Javi.

Like a fool he opens himself, body and soul, time and time again. Javi touches him and he thinks _maybe this time._

\----

It’s a long year he doesn’t compete, and long, long, _long_ months of Javi trapped in his apartment, interrupted with a short while of freedom only to be locked up again.

It’s the most intimate they’ve ever been. Long phone calls, long video calls, Effie used to the pitch of his voice and the sight of his face when Javi chases after her for Yuzuru phone in hand.

He starts to believe like the fool he is.

\----

The girlfriends come and go, and each time Yuzuru fills with hope but it’s never him. Javi never considers him at all, it seems.

\----

It’s Olympic season, he tells himself. He doesn’t have time for anything else.

(It’s all a lie. He’s a liar too.)

\----

They come full circle at the Beijing Olympics.

He had stood at the top of the podium, uplifted by the audience, feeling so high he never thought he’d come down.

All it does is open the door for sorrow the following morning when he wakes up alone again.

He thought he’d learned not to cry over Javi a long time ago but it seems when it comes to Javi nothing is ever set in stone. He allows himself a moment.

The pillow next to him is still warm and the sheets are tucked around him lovingly. Liar. _Liar._ Javi is the worst liar in the world and he’s so stupid, _so stupid,_ for believing him every time.

He decides then, no more. He can’t. _He can’t._ He’ll break irreparably. He knows his limits now and he’ll crumble like stone after a millennia of erosion if he has to wake up alone after again.

\----

He is set to retire after Worlds. The announcement is all but ready, gold or no gold. And because it’s his last competition ever, of course Javi is there.

The door is hardly closed behind them when Javi traps one of his wrists in his hold, long thick fingers like a chain that won’t let him go. Javi is smiling, beaming, cupping half his face and telling him he did so well, _so well, carino._

Yuzuru is tired. Exhausted. He’d been ever since Beijing and he’s ready to just stop. He just wants everything to stop. He just wants _himself_ to stop.

The kiss is inevitable. It always is with Javi. Sweet, gentle, chaste, probing, asking for permission.

Yuzuru pulls away when Javi asks for more.

He can’t. He can’t. He’s already breaking.

He turns away, steps further into the room, keeping the illusion of distance between them. Javi follows, confused, he’s sure.

“Everything okay?”

No, he wants to say. Everything has not been okay for so long. Instead, he reveals only, “I want to stop.”

Javi recoils back like Yuzuru had been the one to leave him blow after blow. “What? Why? Aren’t we having fun?”

“Fun?” The first tears slip free.

Javi softens, his face morphing into concern like he cares, stepping in to close the distance between them. He stops cold in his tracks when Yuzuru shrinks away.

“Yuzu-”

“Is not fun for me,” he lashes out, looking straight at Javi’s handsome face, defiant, finally brave enough for this even though his throat is so tight the words feel like they’re choking him. “It _hurts,_ Javi. You hurt me. Every time I wake up and you are gone it hurts so much. Fun for you but for me only body feels good for maybe one minute. My heart hurts so long after I think it never stops.”

He’s really letting go now, isn’t he? All the words he never said before, all the tears he never shed.

“When I think maybe I be okay now, Javi is there again. Like idiot I keep thinking, ‘this time Javi is definitely kissing me different. This time Javi is kissing me like he means it.’ Like idiot I keep thinking, ‘finally, after so long, Javi loves me like I love him’ but it’s all lies. Javi never- you never-”

Javi stares at him, open mouthed and wide eyed, shocked and incredulous but he can’t stop.

“You _use_ me. You love my body maybe, but you never love _me_ and I’m a fool I- I keep thinking- You are- You are very bad to me.”

Javi moves in like he’s a wounded animal, slow and steady, careful. Yuzuru is torn open, bare and vulnerable, bleeding and caving in, crying and unable to hide the evidence although he’s wiping so furiously at his face.

He curls his fingers around the back of Yuzuru’s head, fingers in his hair, and tugs Yuzuru in until their foreheads are resting against each other’s. He looks at Yuzuru like Yuzuru is the most important thing in the world, telling him with words. “I love you, Yuzu. I have loved you all this time.”

Yuzuru shakes his head, doesn’t stop. No. _No._ Impossible.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I do,” Javi repeats patiently, eyes gentle and so focused on Yuzuru it’s like his whole world revolves around him. “I do. Believe me.”

“I don’t,” Yuzuru says honestly. “I can’t. I can’t. _I can’t. All the girlfriends, now too and-”_

“I never thought I would get to keep you.”

No.

_No._

Pretty words, that’s all. Javi is a liar.

In the end he doesn’t spend the night alone but he’s finally the one who leaves first.

\----

At the gala Yuzuru overhears from Jun who heard it from Jason who heard it from someone who heard it from someone else and so on that Javi broke up with his girlfriend that day.

He keeps his head down and the hope at arm’s length. It’s only a matter of time before another petite girl with long dark hair and sharp angles catches Javi’s attention.

\----

It feels like he’d been betrayed when he finds out Javi is set to join them for Brian’s summer camp. The reaction is so quick, so visceral that it gives Brian pause.

“Everything okay between you two?”

“Yes,” he lies. “Of course. Why would everything not be okay?”

This is one of the things he loves about working with Brian. He doesn’t pry into Yuzuru's personal life.

\----

Javi is careful the first few days around him, professional and courteous but his eyes express so much. Yuzuru has to look away lest he starts to believe what they’re saying (I love you, I love you so much) and hopes again.

Yuzuru himself is skittish, careful, like a frightened kitten.

\----

He doesn’t mean to eavesdrop. He overhears one day, while eating his lunch at a table, Tracy and Javi talking.

“No new girlfriend?”

A low chuckle, a bit hollow. “No. Not since Worlds.”

“Well, I did hear that from Jun.”

This time the chuckle is real. Gossiping. It’s a favorite figure skating pastime.

“Waiting for someone special?”

There’s affection in Javi’s voice when he speaks. “The most special.”

Could be anyone. Just because Javi is here doesn’t mean Javi means _him._ Could be-

“Well, I’m sure Yuzu will come around some day.”

“God, I hope so.”

Oh.

\----

It shouldn't be so easy to open himself back up for Javi but truth be told he never closed properly.

Javi has been patient, respectful, and he appreciates that. Knowing and believing are two very different things.

The first step is tentative, and he makes it midway through the summer, asking Javi if he would like to maybe grab a cup of coffee after class, somewhere busy, lively, safe.

_Yes. Yes, of course. I would love to._

\----

They’re not _dates_ but they’re not _not_ dates. It’s slow going.

\----

That first morning after the after, he’s awake but he doesn’t want to open his eyes. With his ears he can hear the shallow breaths of Javi still sleeping next to him but he can scarcely believe it. It’s not a dream. Logically he knows the only possibility is that it’s morning and Javi is still there. But his heart… his heart is beating erratically in his chest telling him he’s been hurt so many times before. Maybe this isn’t a dream, maybe it’s an illusion.

Make it real, he tells himself. _Make it real. Open your eyes and you will see Javi there._

His heart stutters bittersweet.

He locks himself in the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet he wipes haphazardly at the tears. Ugly, hiccuping sobs claw up his chest, making themselves tangible, real with their escape. Is this happiness? Is that why his heart is swelling so sweetly in his chest?

It’s too much. Breathe. _Breathe._

Javi doesn’t say anything when he comes out. His eyes are red-rimmed, puffy even after splashes of cold water. Instead he gets a little, sleepy smile, tinged with happiness and perhaps a bit of regret, a bit of sadness when he’s looking at Yuzuru properly. He cups a cheek, kissing the other good morning, and asks him what he’d like for breakfast.

“Maybe cafe down the corner?” he offers up. “What will you do later?” He doesn’t mean for it to be a pointed question or for there to have any hidden meaning but everything is always a step deeper between them, isn’t it?

“I don’t know,” Javi tells him honestly. Then he reaches for a hand, threading their fingers together before Yuzuru can start to doubt. “I thought maybe I’d spend the day with you, if you’d let me.”

His breath hitches quietly. “Just today?”

Javi shrugs easily but Yuzuru has known Javi so long he knows all Javi’s tells. Nothing about this is easy. Nothing about _him_ is easy. And probably, he’s still scared of spooking Yuzuru. Truth be told Yuzuru is scared too.

But Javi wouldn’t be Javi if he didn’t open himself up like a book for Yuzuru to read. “Today. Tomorrow. However many days you want me.”

Tentatively, treading carefully, “If I want you forever?”

Javi squeezes his hand. “Well, that sounds pretty good to me.”

\----

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated ^_^


End file.
